There's a well-thought-out article on OT violence from a Christian philosopher named Paul Copan. I posted it on my website: thoughtsifter.com. (Just click the "Violence in the OT" tab at the top). Here's a quote form that article I found interesting:
“All that breathes.” I observed in my previous essay that the lan- guage of total obliteration (“all that breathes”) is an ANE rhetorical device, an exaggeration commonly associated with warfare. For example, in Deuteronomy 2:34 (“we captured all his cities at that time and utterly destroyed the men, women and children of every city. We left no survivor.”) and 3:6
(“. . . utterly destroying the men, women and children of every city”), we come upon what is a standard expression of military bravado in ANE warfare. In 7:2–5, alongside Yahweh’s command to “destroy” the Canaanites is the assumption they would not be obliterated—hence the warnings not to
make political alliances or intermarry with them. That is, we have stock ANE phrases referring to a crushing defeat and utter obliteration in my earlier article, but this is what Goldingay calls “monumental hyperbole.”
Also, I think the Craleys hit on something that is key. We have to consider the radical difference in what we could call mental or cultural climate. We have almost no idea what it was like to live in such a radically different culture so many thousands of years ago. It's my understanding that, in ancient near eastern culture, warfare was often inseparably tied to religion. In many cases victory in war was taken as a sign of the superiority of a nation's God. This was the cultural climate within which God was communicating to people. This doesn't remove all the difficulty of the issue, but the more we consider different factors like this, the more we see how much more complex a thing it is to discern than it sometimes seems upon an initial reading.
Also, Gregory Boyd has a great chapter on this in his book Letters from a Skeptic. One of his main points there is that we should always work from the known to the unknown when trying to understand hard passages like these. We know that Jesus is the full revelation of God, so what ever else God is, his character cannot be contrary to what we see in Jesus. We may not be able to understand God's commands of violence in the OT, but we have more than sufficient grounds for believing God can be trusted in light of what we know in Jesus.
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